Omaha: Need advice on breaking up

I need a way to say the following items but in a way that she will understand:

1. Your intelligence is on par with the domestic ass.
2. Wear clothes that fit you.
3. When you are sleeping you saw logs so loudly that my neighbor complained to me about it.
4. Get out and exercise you lazy cow.
5. If you are stopping by to pick me up to go somewhere get off your no good ass and walk to the apartment instead of sitting in your car out front and honking the horn.
6. The only thing we have in common is that we enjoy being intoxicated on Friday night.
7. Why can’t you get the point when I told you that the only reason I asked you out in the first place was because I already had four shots of tequila.
8. You cough so loudly my floor shakes when you do it… Are you going to cough up some unknown life form out of that lung? Is that why you are shaped like a damn watermelon?
9. I stopped calling you. I stopped coming over to your place. Why can you not take this as a hint?
10. Sex is horrible with you. I definitely wouldn’t of hit that if I was sober at the time. There are fat flaps around your cooter. You have to make the Moses parting the red sea movement to move this camel-toe-esque fat lobs out of the way to get the job done.
11. You cannot get the hint when I say this isn’t working you keep calling and showing up. What the hell is wrong with you???
12. I have hit on other girls in front of you… Ones that are actually attractive and you still cling to me.
13. I find it really retarded that you think that it is perfectly acceptable to drive around a car with no insurance and without a driver’s license.
14. Why don’t you try to drag yourself out of white trashiness?
15. Oh yeah, one last thing, why do you think it’s acceptable to go the bar every night, don’t get me wrong I love going on the weekends, maybe one night in the week occasionally (If I had a bad day at work), but every goddamn night? Are you seriously trying to be a freakin’ drunk???

Anyone got any advice on communicating these views to this girl so that she will comprehend them please for the love of God and all that is holy and right in the world please tell me how to pound this into her oversized and under-developed head!!!